Dear Dr. Norquist:
I knew and expected that raising kids would be hard and I raised four of them. Somehow I thought that once they were adults and married that I’d be free of mothering responsibilities and worries. My kids have kids of their own now and still I’m worrying. Their struggles are painful for me. It is painful for me to see them going through hard times. Now I worry about my grandchildren as well. I have one daughter who is getting divorced and is involved with a married man. I have a son who has a teenage son who has been caught smoking put. My oldest daughter can’t seem to find a man who doesn’t break her heart. There has always been some kind of crisis. I’d just like to be able to relax and enjoy my retirement years with my husband. I’m forever holding my breath wondering what’s going to happen next. Where are the “golden years”?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You have to create the “golden years”, they don’t just happen. Remember, whatever you direct your attention towards grows. If you spend your time, both emotionally and in your thoughts, with concerns regarding your kids, then what you will reap is more worries and concerns. There will always be something you can worry about regarding your loved ones. If you wait for everything to feel safe, you will never get to exhale. Worrying about and resonating with your loved ones pain is not helpful to anyone. It does not change your loved ones lives for the better, and it leaves you downtrodden and unable to enjoy your own life. You must chose to enjoy your life, despite whatever is going on in your children’s lives. Your more uplifted mood will have a positive effect on your loved ones just as surely as your worried state can have a negative effect upon those who interact with you.
Old mental and emotional habits have a way of sticking around. They are always ready to take any available opportunity to sneak in and flood your new positive habits with doubts, fears and worries. Your practical, watchful eye will assist you in dispelling their influence.
Beneath your fear and your pain is the ever-present vulnerability of your heart. To love is to be vulnerable to pain and loss. This vulnerability leads us to want control over protecting our loved ones from pain, suffering and loss. This is also an attempt to protect our own heart from suffering. But our loved ones have their own paths, their own necessary struggles and lessons from which we can not and should not protect them. My suggestion is to quell your worries by asking that the situation be held in the hands of Infinite Love and Wisdom. Then you can proceed to focus your attention on mastering control over your own inner state. For these are all opportunities to pursue inner peace and stillness – the only path to true freedom from fear and anxiety.
