Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have struggled with poor self-esteem my whole life. My father was an embarrassing alcoholic and the whole town knew it. I was the kid that other kids’ parents didn’t want them to play with, because I didn’t come from a “good” family. This made my childhood miserable. I try to prove to others that I’m not like my father, but inside I’m afraid I am. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of; I also definitely have a desire to drink too much. I tend to not let others too close because I don’t think they would like the real me. On the outside I look well put together, but inside I never feel good enough, and I’m afraid of being found out.
My question is: what creates good self-esteem? Can someone have good self-esteem even if they are not proud of their background? If someone was abused or treated poorly as a child can they ever overcome that and feel good about themselves? And if so, how? How can I start to feel good about myself?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You have been hiding your Self, forgetting that each one of us carries the same spark of God. Circumstances have lead you to believe that you are less than others. This is a case of mistaken identity! The good news is this is resolvable. You don’t need to change other’s opinions, just your own. This is such a universal, crucial and multi-faceted question that I will be answering it in two columns.
Some are born into circumstances that reinforce feeling good about themselves; a secure, consistent home life, parents who are emotionally healthy, available and loving, and innate health, talents and good looks. Developing good self-esteem in this case is not likely to be one of their major life lessons. This is not the case for you. This does not make you any less than them. It just points to your needed areas of growth. The gifts of this lesson are well worth the effort; personal freedom and inner contentment.
When we don’t feel good about ourselves we tend to obsess upon ourselves. We worry about how we look to others. The inner question we are constantly asking ourselves is: “Am I appealing in others eyes?” This quest plays out in various arenas including appearance, personal power, social acceptableness and wealth. In this state of mind, we are constantly scanning for what is wrong. In effect we are trying to protect ourselves from whatever we could be shamed for, criticized for, or embarrassed about. This state of mind breeds a fear-filled, tense, unhappy existence that is self-sustaining and tremendously limiting.
The antidote for this is to turn your gaze outward. Focus on others’ happiness, rather than your own. Instead of monitoring and criticizing yourself, look outward towards what you can do, see, feel or create in this moment that will be helpful to others. The experience of inner happiness and self worth is born of a genuine sense of connection with others. Focusing on our fears and our faults cuts us off from the world whereas turning our attention towards what we can do for others builds connections. Isolation is disease producing, while connections are healing.
The truth is that genuine giving gives back in greater measure. I’m not speaking of giving from a sense of obligation, compulsion, self-effacement, guilt, or from ignoring ones own needs. Rather, I am speaking of the kind of giving that comes from a genuine connection with your Self, as one child of God to another. This kind of giving doesn’t make us better than another. It doesn’t prove our worth. It comes from a sense of our innate equality. We are all in the same boat. From this place there is a compassionate understanding that “there but for the grace of God, go I.”
We all reap the consequences of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. If we do something that we know is wrong, hurtful, or non-truthful, we will reap the results. It doesn’t matter whether or not our wrong action is “found out” by anyone in the outside world. We know it is wrong and our inner sense of our own worth is diminished accordingly. It does not matter if the outer world thinks we are great. We can never feel good about ourselves if we are engaged in activities that we know are wrong or are avoiding actions that we know are right. We can not hide from ourselves that which we can hide from the world.
Practice truthfulness in speech and action. We have all engaged in ‘white’ lies, things we say that we know are not really true. Perhaps the truth is inconvenient or hurtful or might lead to disapproval. What happens inside you when you say something that you know is not really true? Pay attention to the inner experience that arises. Perhaps an inner discomfort? This is a sign that you are not being congruent with your inner sense of what is true to you in that moment. This inner discomfort is our guide, our means of finding our way back to our innate goodness. This is Grace in our lives. Remember that the words we speak are also actions that either enhance or diminish our self-esteem.
Chose to live your life in a manner that builds an inner sense of pride. Do that which leaves you feeling good about yourself. If you make a practice of engaging in actions that reinforce your innate goodness, your low self-esteem concerns will become a distant memory. As a result, new doors for fulfillment will open in your life.
